i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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