look no pants
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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