Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
