Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
