dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
