this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
