his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
