My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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