Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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