I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
there is glitter all over my balls
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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