New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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