i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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