She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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