I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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