my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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