so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
