Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My first STD was from a foam party
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
