Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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