I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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