Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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