upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
