You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If I die, sorry about rent.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
