I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
