YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
