I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
did i just pee glitter
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
