I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
