I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
