Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
