Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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