i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
