The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
