my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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