4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
