I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
