i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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