so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
whose parrot is this?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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