If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
