I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
