everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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