Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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