i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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