This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
