Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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