My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
