i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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