someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
