Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
