i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
