i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
