dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just forgot I was standing up.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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