there was a trapeze. enough said
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
